What kind of idiot really wants to be successful? I mean, that takes hard work and effort. No way! I’m going to show you a different approach with my nine easy steps to become a failure in life.
Rule 1: Be a Wuss
Being a wussy has nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with mental strength. I know you want to be successful but you’re too afraid to make a commitment to your dream. You’re too afraid to actually take real chances. You’re afraid to make choices because those involve risk of the unknown. You might accidently make the wrong choice and everyone will laugh at you. You want everything to be perfect before you can “take a risk”. Yeah, right! That day will come when Hell freezes over. Nonetheless, don’t do anything until one of the following has occurred: All the planets have aligned themselves perfectly, you’ve spotted a once extinct Dodo bird, or someone absolutely guarantees you that you will not fail. Until one of these things are in place, don’t do anything... be a wussbag.
Rule 2: Listen to Stupid People
There are two types of people out there that you should never listen to: successful and happy. By successful, I mean someone who has a career and is financially secure. By happy I mean someone who has found their “happy place” and enjoys where they’re at in life. The latter has less do with money, and more do to with lifestyle. Knowing this, here’s the key: never, I mean NEVER listen to successful or happy people. They’ll just make you nauseous with their crazy ideas and strategies for getting what you want out of life. Instead, listen to miserable friends and family members who are broke or unhappy. That way if you fail, and chances are that you will... you’ll at a minimum have them for company. And we know that misery loves company. Also if you fail using their advice, you can always blame it on them (See Rule 9 for more details). You also get the added bonus of perpetuating the dysfunctional psychology to boot! You can even pass this on to your own offspring. Teach your children to listen to stupid people as well. Maybe even force them to listen to you and not ever learn from others!
Rule 3: Wait for Divine Intervention
Yes, another strategy on how to fail in life is to simply wait for the ‘invisible hand’ of fate to pass over you and bless you with immense abundance. Yes, go ahead pray and ask God (whoever and whatever that is to you) to rain down upon you all that you deserve. Sit back, do nothing and wait for something to great to happen. Yes, your own needs far outweigh those of people in other countries who are dying from disease, hunger, violence, etc. Don’t feel guilty though. Make your demand on God and if you’re so inclined, you might want to give Him a deadline because you’re in a hurry. But remember, you don’t ever lift a finger to help yourself because you might offend Him by being so impatient.
Rule 4: Develop a Need to Mimic
Desmond Morris wrote a fantastic book called “The Human Ape”. If you haven’t read it, you are depriving yourself of a primitive experience and pleasure. Morris talks about the need for humans to mimic in order to feel accepted or more worthy. So, what I want you to do in order for you to lose your money and fake your destiny is look around you and buy whatever your friends or colleagues are buying. Buy the extravagant cars, the luxurious McMansion, take all the trips you want to exotic places. What about money? Who cares! Finance it all! The point here is that you want to mimic or copy what every one else is doing so that you create the appearance of normalcy and success. Debt is actually a minor nuisance that you shouldn’t have to worry about. What about those pesky credit card companies? So what! You owe them money, they’re crooks who already have too much money; they don’t need yours. Just load up the cards and quit paying!
Rule 5: Take advantage of People
Here’s a great tip. Forget about being considerate and to hell with the “Golden Rule”. If you can use somebody, then do it. If you can take advantage of a situation, do it. Consequences?! Bah! Why bother with such silly notions; they’re so inconvenient. For all you care, you’ll probably never have to deal with them ever again. And if it’s in a work environment, all the better, screw them any way you can. They probably deserve it for being so dang naïve. The basic premise is this, the next time you in a position to really abuse another fellow human being, don’t think twice, just do it! Step on their neck. They only exist to be your tool in your own quest for greatness. Necks make great ladders when you stack them up sideways!
Rule 6: Invent Your Own Reality
Ooh, I like this one. To hell with reality, create your own. When someone says, “You’re not being realistic”, or "think through the consequences", just ignore them because they’re an idiot. When someone tries to warn you that your overspending and your debts are mounting, just go out and shop some more... you’ll feel much better. And, even when everyone is telling you you’re wrong, ignore them because they ALL can’t be right! They don't know what you know - and more than likely, they simply don’t have the same bright, pink outlook on life you have. Dismiss those fools. You're much better served by building up layers of fabrications and distortions to prop up your own view of the universe.
Rule 7: Never Keep a Commitment Again
The next time you make a promise, just remember that it really isn’t a "for real" commitment. A promise is an agreement to do something - but you're special. You reserve the right to change your mind without notifying the other party (aka the "When it’s Convenient Rule"). And yes, it’s okay to over-promise and under-deliver. The "Convenient Rule" still applies. When you tell someone you’d show up to a meeting or an engagement, remember that it’s OK to change your mind again without the need to notify the other party. Commitments are so restrictive that you should allow yourself the flexibility to abide by or ignore them whenever you feel like it. What if others complain? They’re just being insensitive to your ‘spontaneity’ and free spirit... those envious bastards.
Rule 8: Blame it on "ISM's"
The next time things don’t go your way or you missed out on some promotion or raise, blame it on an “ISM”. There are plenty to choose from. Racism, Sexism, Ageism, etc. Remember it’s never your own responsibility to create wealth and opportunity. Someone should always look our for your because you’ve been handicapped (i.e., with an ISM) by the unfairness of society at large. Someone else should also make amends and remunerations for your inconvenience. Don’t forget to always complain about how “the man” won’t let you succeed. And always blame your failing on some corporate guy with a nice suite and tie. They’re always guilty of something. They’re all liars and cheats waiting to be exposed. They probably work for a credit card company anway.
Rule 9: It’s Never Your Problem
No matter how bad you perform or don’t perform at all, it isn’t your fault (Corollary to Rule 8). It’s never your problem. It’s always someone else’s deal. And if you can’t find a warm body to blame it on, use someone who’s dead. Dead people are useful for blaming things on because they can’t dismiss the accusation and you feel better since it isn’t your fault. If you can’t find any dead people to blame it on, use the ultimate trump card, the Universe (or Cosmos). Either one is good enough when it come to blame. Just blame your misfortune on some weird existential vibe thing that can’t really be defined. And if someone doesn’t believe you... well, they’re just being insensitive and ignorant of an existence on a much higher level - one where you can’t really be held responsible.
So, go ahead and follow these Nine Rules and I guarantee your failure in life. When you're old, grey, and miserable because of the mess that you were able to make out of your life- well, you can sit back in your rocking chair and remember ol' Mikey's lessons here. Thank me later.